Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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