Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
