I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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