my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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