I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
