never play flip cup with pint glasses
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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