I faked an abortion last night.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
