there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize