God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
How external is "for external use only"?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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