New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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