Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
