Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize