Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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