totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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