He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
