If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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