even my farts smell like vagina
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
