Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
My balls are so social today.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize