my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
