the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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