Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
