it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
