so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
