i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
