He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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