Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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