Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
