I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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