K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
