so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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