just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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