I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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