You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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