Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
