Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
