You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I wish you could order shots online.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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