I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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