Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
