Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
birth control should be required to get into college
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
