I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
