I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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