omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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