I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
