I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
