my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I could fuck to npr.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
