respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
