i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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