Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
