I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
