my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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