Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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