MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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