I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
