I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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