Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
