Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
