This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize