Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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