I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
