I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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