I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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