There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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