Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
